Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
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When I was a kid, my dad taught me how to fix a car. We would drive to the mechanic and he would be like, “fix my car.”
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
Seems a bit forward
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately