Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
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them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
We have a winner.
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.