Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
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*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac