Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
Me: overruled
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my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??