@egg_dog

“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars

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@Marlebean

If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.

@theSolemnBard

INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?

ME: I can anagram anything

WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?

@Robert_Beau

The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.

@Shen_the_Bird

date: i like guys who are mysterious

me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman

@sageboggs

Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is

@SoVeryBritish

How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips

@laurab3

Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them

@KalvinMacleod

I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.

@Dawn_M_

I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂