“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
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I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
Google Pay be like:
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
What about a To-Don’t List?
This woman is my idol. Free her.
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
Optional boss fight.
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.