google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
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I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
*Interrogation Room*
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
….
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!
My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
Not helping
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.