Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
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[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
how to exercise your calf muscles
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.