Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
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I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn
[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO
ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!