Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
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One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.