Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
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Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
Fat chances are my favorite chances
Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.