Google reviews are always so mixed..
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Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
I falcon love using swear birds
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t