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Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”
Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.
Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers
Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically