Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?![]()
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Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
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Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.