Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?

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[interview at a clothing store]

be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog

“so what color is this dress?”

oh you gotta be kidding me


Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.


Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.


Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.


[family therapy]

JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference

DOC: Why do you do that?

ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond


Me: No its a hose lol
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded


Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons

Me: Like what?

Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die

Me: And what are the cons?


16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek

PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure


ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie


me *stops crying*
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*