Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury

Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?

Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets

Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.

Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.

(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide

Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t

me trying to get a bartender’s attention

Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”

All of your holes are looking great

– Croctologists

Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.