Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
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If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl
CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
can’t catch a break
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later: