@PaperWash [interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
@breadzeppellin Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
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@PaperWash 
@abasketofcraig Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
@blaudiablogan Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
@JennyJohnsonHi5 Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
@TheToddWilliams [family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
@EndhooS Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
@ArfMeasures Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
@TheHyyyype 16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
@KalvinMacleod ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
@iwearaonesie me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*