@breadzeppellin

Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?

You Might Also Like

@PaperWash

[interview at a clothing store]

be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog

“so what color is this dress?”

oh you gotta be kidding me

@abasketofcraig

Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.

@blaudiablogan

Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.

@JennyJohnsonHi5

Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.

@TheToddWilliams

[family therapy]

JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference

DOC: Why do you do that?

ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond

@EndhooS

Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded

@ArfMeasures

Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons

Me: Like what?

Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die

Me: And what are the cons?

@TheHyyyype

16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek

PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure

@KalvinMacleod

ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie

@iwearaonesie

me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*