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Marawana
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Is there a j in marawana
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Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
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Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
Does your wife know you’re single?
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?
Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.
TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step
Me: Why do you say that?
TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
This squirrel eats better than I do
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are