[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
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I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration