google sheets just froze up (for everyone) on a call and i said guys i think we all just got laid off
people do NOT like that joke
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Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
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Me: No, please no more free bread. I’m never going to eat it all.
Italian: Here’s eighteen more rolls!
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
My parents just informed me that I can’t come in their house to pee unless I leave my 9lb Chihuahua outside. I’m officially peeing in their yard now, and will only attend the outdoor portion of their funerals 😂
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
My husband keeps borrowing and losing my tweezers, so I’m naming this chin hair after him
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format