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gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
[first date]
Him: I love Asian girls
Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eyeHim: No, not like that
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
Are we there yet?…