Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
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people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
Adultry does not sound fun at all
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”