Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
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Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems