Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
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I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
mechanics be like
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.