Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
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anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
[Googling]
How many calories in a glass of white wine?
*45 minutes later*
[Googling]
How many calories in a bottle of white wine?
Just as the prophecy foretold
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
1920鈥檚: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020鈥檚: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter
[working on a car]
me: this isn鈥檛 as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain鈥檛 no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
Who called it baking and not making love
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
It be like that sometimes 馃槅
His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noisesYou look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren鈥檛 we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that鈥檚 a no
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.