*googles how the hell I ended up here*
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My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.
My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?