*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
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My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
Spring of Deception
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?