her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
Google: Wow. I’m right here
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Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working