*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
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Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
[invention of baseball]
Guy: I’ll throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk