*Googles Yahoo*

Google: Wow. I’m right here

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her: i’m breaking up with u

me: we can work this out Linda

her: it’s Lydia


Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.

Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.


Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.


*slips $5 to the mortician*

Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.


Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]


A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese


Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.


*valentine’s night*

Me: I got you a new pair of shoes

Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!

Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you


You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working