Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
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It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
Digital security in Ancient Troy
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
My 17-year-old bought us dinner and now he’s making brownies and we’re about to watch a movie together.
I don’t even care what crime he committed to inspire this good behavior, I just hope they don’t catch him anytime soon.
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.