[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]
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Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
I just yelled at some kids to get off my lawn. They were my own kids, but they can find somewhere else to play like everybody else.
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
guess who just got fired. the big man at merriam webster didnt like me sneaking in my own ideas for words. not very pompsh of them. not very pompsh at hocklorp
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.