[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
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I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.
I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch