Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
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*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands
ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*
CDC: Also brush your teeth
WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*
CDC: And take out the garbage
WORLD: Wait what?
CDC: Go make your bed
WORLD: Stop it
CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon
Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
yeet
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious