GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
You Might Also Like
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone
ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?
ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.