Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
You Might Also Like
[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?
back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I’m supposed to stop reading the internet.
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.