Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
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*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
Jesus: No one pours old wine into new wineskins…
Home DIY YouTuber: SURE YA CAN, HERE’S HOW TO DO IT RIGHT AT HOME IN FIVE EASY STEPS! ALSO, DON’T FORGET TO SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON AND BE SURE TO SUBSCR
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.
I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.