Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
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hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.
When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?