Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
You Might Also Like
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.