gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
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Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busyFriend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor