Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
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a fool and his money are hey new iphone
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,
“You cannot park there”
“It’s not my car”
“You have to move it”
“It’s not my car”
“Move it or get a fine”
“It’s not my car”
Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”“It’s not my car”
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.
My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
This checks out
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now