Got 7yo a cellular device so he could make emergency calls.
Yesterday’s emergency call: 4yo won’t eat her shrimp after I said she had to and he wanted to make sure I knew. 🍤
You Might Also Like
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.