Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
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In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing