Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
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If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
ME: how can I make u proud?
MOM: reach for the stars
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: the closest star is 93 million miles away. You’ll never get there.
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
I drew y’all a little something.
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.