Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
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Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
me: are you a cop you talk the talk.
ex-cop: not anymore
me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.
ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
I have many caverns
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
PLOT TWIST:
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go