@Desert_Musings

Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?

You Might Also Like

@psybermonkey

Genie: You get one wish.

Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.

Genie: Done. *vanishes*

*Checks phone*

Genie is now following you.

@rusty_coach

Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order

@TimFullerton

Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.

@ChristianGalia1

i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.

@leechee420

Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”

@isabelzawtun

Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards

@mrjohndarby

tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards

me: but that means change or rebirth, right?

tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no

@krissywillbretz

When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.