@BigJDubz

Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York

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@mrjohndarby

[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.

@sarabellab123

My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?

My husband’s closet:

@MrWordsWorth

Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.

@LostFelicia

It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.

@missekay

*watches soccer*

*watches soccer*

*watches soccer*

*watches soccer*

*has to pee*

*watches soccer*

*gets up to pee*

*misses goal*

:/

@ItsAndyRyan

4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby

@PLATINUM2000

How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?

@BowlinShoeUgly

So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?

@rockymomax

[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal

@DrakeGatsby

Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.

Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.