Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
You Might Also Like
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis