@LeahTiscione

Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo

You Might Also Like

@VodkaShorebird

I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!

@StumblerTop

What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination

@MomofTeen

I come from a long line of successful people.

I decided to stop that tradition.

@david8hughes

Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …

@Ojasism

Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?

@alldrolledup

A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD

@JohnHilsen

The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.

@dubiousrhetoric

KILLER [burying me alive]:

ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.

KILLER [calls the police]: