Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo

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I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!


What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination


I come from a long line of successful people.

I decided to stop that tradition.


Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …


Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?


A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD


The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.


KILLER [burying me alive]:

ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.

KILLER [calls the police]: