Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
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me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)