Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
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As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
still the best tweet of the year by far
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
181.
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
You’re the water to my grease fire.
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed