Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
You Might Also Like
Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
A friend sent me this.
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
Doctors texting each other.
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*