Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: are you ready for halloween?

friend: yes!

me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic

friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*

My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.

Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.

Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.

Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”

My six year old: “Crab!”

at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭

If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.

Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.

“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?

I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”

@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor

Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.

Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.

women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there

Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.

[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today

“is everything alright?”

[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no

Date: So what do you do for fun?

Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.

It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…

…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.

There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.

Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good

Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.

My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”

I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.

An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:

1) I don’t have a car

Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.

I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.

The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.

People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.

Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.

Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!

Thor: I’ll silence their guards.

Captain America: What’s a microwave?

Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.

Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill