Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
You Might Also Like
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it
When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
Wife: *packing a bag*
Me: Where are you going?
W: I’m leaving you for my boss
M: Don’t go—
W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind
M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note
W: I despise you
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?