Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
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If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
felt cute might bury dad later idk
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.