Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
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Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…
A bad parent with an ice cold beer.
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*takes train*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.