Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
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Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
Get Outlook for iOS”
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
Breaking news:
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher